routines and nibbles

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Max

I am back at the female human’s in Auchtermaxty this weekend. Its been a rather confusing time the last few weeeks with TWO stays in prison and strange comings and goings on unusual days – all very unsettling.

But Hilary tells me all is sorted now and that for the next wee while we will have routines. I will spend three nights a week at Tim’s house in Maxfermlineand four nights a week with her. I will move homes on a Monday morning (saying bye bye Hilary) and back to her on Thursday evening. I think this is done to be fair and share me as evenly as possible as both humans get seven walks a week each with me!! Unless I persuade them to give me more of course!

Anyway I will see how this routine goes and how the humans cope with it all. I know they both miss me when I am not there, but I cant actually split myself in two, and it seems kinder to share my superiority out in this way. It also gives them time to do things like hoover and change beds when I am not there.

The good news for me is that means four nights a week on a human bed. Very comfy. And to show Hilary how pleased I was at her sharing her space with me I nibbled on her pyjamas today as I had a snooze when she was busy working. She says they are ruined and was not very amused with me. Still I am forgiven as I am superior and very good company for her over the weekends! I am planning what to nibble on next……

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January blues

Posted on January 8, 2012 by Max

Right that’s Christmas over, New Year over, decorations down, yummy food eaten (just about) and holidays from human work over, which means things are back to normal for me. Being left on my own again when humans go out!

I am back staying with Hilary in Auchermaxty at the moment so enjoying the home comforts of sleeping on a proper bed with her, and snoozing on the sofa a lot of the day. I also just may have some of my tasty treats I got for Christmas left but they seem to be tidied away for some reason. I hope Monty hasnt eaten them in my absence. He is too fat already!

All was goign well till this morning when i got a severe dose of the January blues. Not content with putting me in prison at the end of December so both my humans could go gallivanting off to see their human relations, I gather I am goign back to prison again tonight – only just over a week later! Appraantly the male human (who I usually spend weekdays with) is off on some boring clergy conference for a few days, and the female one is caught up in her usual work stuff (inlcuding an early start to get to Glasgow for training tommorrow) so I am being abandoned again! Going in to prison tonight till Thursday afternoon when Hilary will come and release me!

Hmm.. The only good thing is that she will feel really guilty then and so will pamper me even more than usual!!!

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Festive Greetings!

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Max

I hope all my blog pals have had a lovely Christmas. I have had a very nice time indeed with some presents, good food, and lots of attention. I have had some very nice forest walks and chased lots of deer, which made Hilary laugh as she sung the carol the Holly and the Ivy as that contains the line ” the running of the deer!”

But the biggest surprise wasa totally unexpected parcel which came in the post for me! It was from my wonderful friend Maggie, who I suspect is not actually a human as I have always thought, but a dog! She is certainly an honorary dog! Maggie kindly send us some Galaxy chocolate (for humans) a silly cat jangly toy (for Monty) and a Very Superior Huge Mud Coloured Egyptian Cotton towel for ME!! And to prove its mine it even has my name on it! It says “Spoilt Rotton Max”! Thank you Maggie it is really lovely and I will enjoy being wiped down with my own superior towel and not an old human cast off!!

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My Superior Card!!

Posted on December 17, 2011 by Max

Dogs really are SO much superior to humans! I have this fact reinforced to me time and time again!

I must tell you about my very special and superior card which arrived the other day. It was Thursday and that day I moved homes for the weekend and came to my flat where Hilary and Monty live. (being a superior dog I have two homes you see) Anyway, Tim who was acting as my chaffeur left (us superior dogs don’t actually drive ourselves around, we have humans for that) and I settled for a sleep on the sofa till Hilary returned from work (that’s yet another thing – us superior dogs generally don’t have to work as we have humans to earn money for us, although some dogs like to work to show humans how its done such as guide dogs and sheep dogs)

Anyway I was disturbed soon by the postie who delivered a pile of envelopes through the letterbox. Most of them were for the female human, but one, the biggest and clearly the most superior, was for me! It was addressed to Superior Dog Max Bennison! I decided to save it till my female human came home, so that she could admire it too!

Eventually- and it was a LONG time, Hilary returned and I insisted we open the post before going our for out walk. And as I expected it was a Christmas card for me- from my lovely canine friends Belle and Shelby! Dogs really have such good taste!!

First, it is HUGE. It towers well above the other inferior Christmas cards here! Shows off my superiority nicely! I have put it in pride of place in the middle of the mantelpiece (or what constitutes a mantlepiece here, the top of the electric fire surround). Doesn’t it look good?

Secondly, it features.. ..ME!!! It is a mock-magazine cover, entitled:

The Doghouse – special Christmas edition

My superior photo features three times on the cover- looking totally handsome of course! There are also the titles of the articles which would be in such a magazine. These include

WIN! Deluxe bin party. All the rubbish you can eat!

Exclusive Interview with Max superior dog showing his superiority

101 ways- to show a cat who’s boss

Handsome – or what? How to always look good for the camera

It’s simply wonderful!!

The only downside is on the inside where there must have been some mistake as Belle and Shelby have addressed the card to “To Max and his humans not forgetting Monty cat”

Still it is Christmas and that is a time for sharing and thinking of others!

Thank you Belle and Shelby – and your human Maggie too! Happy Christmas to you all!

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Tummy trouble…

Posted on December 11, 2011 by Max

I think I have a troublesome tummy at the moment. The other evening Hilary said I was very restless and not quite myself. She wandered if it was the mega-dose of Coronation Street she was inflicting on me. That programme has not been the same since the tragic death of its star, Smiechal the Great Dane. I hope he wins the award for best soap exit. Anyway I digress, at bedtime she took me out for my usual comfort stop and I let out a HUGE belch. It quite surprised her.

The next day in the forest I had great fun chasing squirrels and deer and all kind of things. I think the excitement may have been too much for me as when I decided to return to Hilary (standing patiently by the gate calling my name) I felt a little unwell and so ate some grass, which had the desired effect!!! Think Hilary was a little embarrassed but relieved I was not in Natasha at that point!

Then last night in the middle of the night Hilary tells me she woke up hearing me (in comfort on the bed next to her) making funny noises. She said it was almost like I was crying. She patted me a few times and reassured me and I settled down again.

So I think I had better be careful what I eat for a while, after all I dont want to be ill over Christmas and miss out on the festive treats!!

Posted in health, moan | 1 Comment

the prodigal cat…

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Max

Last weekend Monty cat went awol for a day and a half – causing the female human to be extremely worried and concerned, and crying even more than usual, especially as the weather was pretty stormy outside. The wind blew a gale, the rains poured down… and there was no sign of the little cat no matter how hard she looked or how loudly she called. At one point she vowed if he came back safe and sound she would never shout at him again as she loved him so much!!

Of course Monty was fine, he was just out having secret cat adventures and eventually returned to the front door and I barked and alerted Hilary who came and swept him up in her arms in tears of happiness… and he has remained totally pampered ever since!

So today it was my turn. I decided to make Hilary worried about me so she will nevr shout at me again! I waited till we were in the forest this afternoon and then as it was getting dark I ran off after some pretend deer and stayed in hiding till she got worried! She kept shouting for me “Max” Max” as she trudged through the snow (yes first snow of winter today!) hoping and praying I would return! I didn’t like to leave her too long so after five minutes or so I came bounding back to a lovely welcome!

Since then I have made the most of it… I stole two scones from a plastic container in the kitchen and very yummy they were too. So much so I finished off my snack by eating some of her pillow case. So far its worked,.. she just hugs me an tells me she loves me… I am planning what to do next!

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lead antics

Posted on November 19, 2011 by Max

I bet you have been wondering if I am still around as its been so long since I blogged. Sorry about that but sometimes there doesnt seem to be much to blog about… life is rather routine and apart from the dark evenings coming earlier and earlier my world is much the same as always.

However I thought I would tell you what happened a few days ago. I was staying with Hilary in my flat and she took me out for a comfort break before heading to that place called work. She was actually running a bit late so in a bit of a fluster which I don’t think I made any better! Anyway on return to the flat, I realised that Monty cat (who had been awol all night avoiding me) had used the time I was out to come in to the flat himself! He has his own little door within the front door you see so he can come and go as he pleases, as long as I allow it of course…

Anyway I immediately rushed through to greet him dragging my lead out of Hilary’s paw and across the living room floor behind me. Somehow – and you really couldn’t do this if you tried – it slid under the door between the living room and the hall , and the end of the lead started going up the inner door jamb betwen the door and the wall!

Hilary rushed over and released me (in my excitement the lead had started to strangle me) but she could not get the lead out from under the door! It was well and truely stuck!

Getting more stressed by the second she had to leave it and go to work or she would have been late for her meeting so she had to leave the lead where it was, and drove away wondering how on earth she would cope with me later in the day without access to a lead!! You see I am only allowed off lead in “safe” places like the forest or the common (more about that in a future blog) and as there is no garden here I need to be on a lead whenever I go out!

I got a bit worried that I might not get out later on and be forced to use Monty’s litter tray or something ….so while she was away I worked away at the lead gently teasing it so it was a bit looser.

On her return of course I demanded to go out and she had to battle with my lead again. She was a bit calmer by now and of course I had kindly loosened it for her, so (admitedly after a while) got it down from the inner side of the door and managed to slide it under the door all the way across till it was freed! Then we went for a nice walk!!

Posted in Auchtermaxty, human stupidity | 1 Comment

How to wash a cat

Posted on November 5, 2011 by Max

I must thank my human friend Fay for this – she sent the following in an email to my female human this week, with strict instructions that she should NOT show it to me or Monty. As you will see it might distress Monty or give me ideas…

However Hilary left her phone lying around last night when she was at yoga so I had a wee play with it and found the email, and roared with laughter so much I just had to share it with you all…

Watch out Monty!

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl…

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

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Treats for me!

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Max

The female human went visiting yesterday afternoon and left me at home on guard. She tried to sneak out the flat without me realising but of course I noticed and asked where she was going. She stammered an incomprehensible response, told me to be good and left..

Ages later she returned complete with a bag of books and a much more interesting little paper carrier. At this point she confessed she had been to see MY friends in Maxfermline, Fay and Mrs C. They had apparantly drank tea, eaten posh sandwiches and cute cakes, and talked – mainly about me! Anyway to make up for me not being able to go when it was time for Hilary to leave she was surprised to be given the little white bag which contained human treats in the form of some exotic tea bags, feline treats for Monty and , most importantly, canine treats for me!! I sniffed them out of course and after my walk I got some! Yum Yum! Thank you Mrs C and Fay!

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I went visiting!

Posted on October 9, 2011 by Max

I am still with Hilary in my flat in Maxty- I have been here since Monday and am a little bit worried that the new Rectory cat Talisker will have taken over all my house when I get back. However Hilary and Monty have given me a talking to and reminded me how nice cats are, so I have promised I will be kind to him when I see him again. I still reserve the right to chase him though!!

I have had a good time with Hilary (and a visit from Tim) with lots of muddy walks and lots of snoozes on the sofa and the bed. There are lots of interesting places to sniff nearby and Hilary often moans that a quick walk round the block takes ages with me as I stop and investigate the smells every few yards! She moans a lot when it is raining although it makes her lovely and wet. I get wet too and that makes me smell lovely too.

Anyway I must tell you about my spur of the moment visiting the other day. I was walking with Tim down the farmtrack after my walk and I was still off my lead! There are two farm cottages and usually I am on my lead by this point, but as I was still free I went off to explore. As Tim reached the garden he saw my tail disappearing- into one of the cottages! The old lady who lived there had left her door open (she must have wanted some fresh air!) and I trotted in , through her living room and in to her kitchen! She got quite a surprise at having such an unexpected handsome canine visitor!! It was a very comfy cottage and I was thinking of staying there for a bit but the male human came in to get me and apologise to the lady! Luckily for him she thought it was quite funny!

By the way Shelby I was a bit concerned in your last comment. I think that this harness thing you speak of is not in fact a tasty treat (although chewing it up would be a sensible thing to do) but rather a nasty thing humas use to try and make you walk close to them and not have a free run. That means you can’t go visiting like I did or stop and sniff everything as they pull you away!! So you must REFUSE to use it. Master the anchor position and DO NOT BUDGE. Paw at it, struggle to breathe and look uncomfortable and in pain. I did that with a nasty “halti” collar my humans got me a few years ago and soon they weakened and it was never used again! Good luck training Maggie!!!

Posted in friends, superiority, walk | 4 Comments